Young Hopeful

What I Learned In High School

2009-04-14T21:22:00.002-04:00

This past Saturday at midnight I debuted the character of Mr. Francis DiRusso, high school guidance counselor. Mr. D. (as the students don't call him, although he wishes they did) performed on Eliot and Ilana Glazer's High School Talent Show at the UCB Theater.I created this character especially for this show, but I like him and I think we'll meet again. He's a big step for me, comedy-wise, as I

I'm acting as fast as I can!

2009-04-07T16:00:00.004-04:00

Some know-it-all once said "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it." Then he got slapped in the mouth for being a know-it-all. But still, there is a wisdom in those words.I have been working what feel like non-stop for just over a month. But it's not because anybody forced me to; it's all stuff I wanted and got. Still, it takes it out of you.Since the beginning of March, I've

Reel Life.

2009-02-12T13:58:00.002-05:00

Here's my latest (and some say greatest, but definitely latest) reel with new clips from TV, film, comedy and commercial stuff. Enjoy.

The 43,567,834th Blog About The Inauguration

2009-01-20T18:04:00.002-05:00

I won't say anything here that hasn't already been said better by someone else. There won't be anything particularly original, brilliant or inspiring in what I have to write. But that's fine with me.As a country, we have a lot wrong with us. But today, I think, we got it right. Our new President isn't a magician or a savior. He's a man we elected because a vast majority of us decided we want to

2008-11-02T17:40:00.007-05:00

So I'm sitting at home, flipping channels, and I come across "Franki Valli & The Four Seasons: Tribute on Ice" on NBC. Mr. Valli is in surprisingly good voice (if he's actually singing live) and is running through his many hits with his four backup singers. So really, it's Frankie Valli and the Five Seasons, which doesn't make any sense. But that's okay. I mean what's one extra season between

On Winking.

2008-10-03T11:42:00.003-04:00

Sarah Palin winked during the Vice Presidential debate. More than once. Very statespersonlike.This little move — one I'm sure she sees as "folksy" — actually gave me a much different impression. It was the last piece in the "NOW I know what she reminds me of!" puzzle.Sarah Palin looks like a Cinemax soft-core porn actress. You know the ones; they star in films with titles like "Sex Games Cancun,"

A Load Off My Mind

2008-09-24T11:08:00.003-04:00

For the past few weeks, I've been racking my brain — and stressing out like you would not believe — trying to find the best deal on a massive, rotating searchlight. The thing is, I wanted one that would do the job without leaving me broke. And that's easier said than done, especially in today's global searchlight market. Shoddy product, bad customer service and huge markups by searchlight

2008-08-30T17:51:00.004-04:00

Usually, I don't blog because I don't think I have anything particularly interesting going on.Seriously, does anyone want to read about my mentally ill next-door neighbor with 7 cats, whose apartment smells like a slaughterhouse in Summer though his closed front door? And do people really want me to go on and on about the co-dependent, bi-polar cat lady who basically runs my neighbor's life,

From The Casting Chronicles

2008-07-14T16:56:00.002-04:00

Every so often a casting notice comes along that really tickles my old fancy bone.To wit:SEEKING: [ MAN WITH DISFIGURED HAND ]Middle aged white male with disfigured pinky and ring fingers on left hand...The sick part is, they'll probably get dozens of submissions. And the sicker part, there are probably actors out there right not thinking, "I can disfigure the pinky and ring fingers of my left

Happy Co-dependence Day!

2008-07-04T23:14:00.003-04:00

Eeesh, my last post was in January. Time flies when you're having fun.So, what's new? On the acting front, I've been taking a great scene study class at Kimball Studio and I'm really loving it. It's amazing how much better you get doing scenes when you actually learn how to approach them properly. Of course, this is painfully obvious to anyone who's ever taken an acting class, but I always have

Rectalieve!

2008-01-26T13:16:00.000-05:00

The first medicinal patch just for men - only two farts a year! Written by Andres du Bouchet. Directed by and starring Michael Bernard. Camera and editing by Carol Hartsell. Co-Starring Sean Crespo, Mark Douglas, Anthony DeVito and Bryan Olsen.

Give Me A Bada-Break.

2008-01-23T20:23:00.000-05:00

In honor of today being my birthday, I thought I owed it to myself to empty my spleen. It's like blowing out candles, only a lot more satisfying.If you live in the NYC area, you no doubt see the NY Lottery's "Bada Bling" commercial once every 3.7 seconds. It's a fun-filled romp where a bunch of gangsters and gangstas team up to assrape an Ella Fitzgerald standard so you'll gamble more. Big

Dane Cook Sets New Record For Longest Stand-Up Set

2008-01-04T21:22:00.000-05:00

Actually, it only felt like 7 hours.

500% Italian moves in to Ochi's!

2007-12-15T15:51:00.000-05:00

The debut of our new Italian-American comedy show at the P.I.T went gangbusters (Not gangsters, gangbusters. Open your mind.) Now we have a monthly show premiering this Monday at Ochi's Lounge. Come on down and laugh it up.An ethnic comedy show doesn’t have to be filled with cheesy stereotypes. Once a month, 500% ITALIAN features 5 of NYC’s most original comedy minds, who all just happen to have

2007-12-14T23:32:00.001-05:00

No more Scrubs.Seriously. It's on like 20 times a day.Enough.

Comedy, Thy Name is SCTV

2007-12-13T12:17:00.000-05:00

The past few days I've been re-watching my "Best of SCTV" DVD set. It's so chock-full of pure comic genius that I had to tell the world my SCTV story. And by the world, I mean the 4 people (5 tops) who read this blog.There's footage on Disc 5 of Conan O'Brien hosting a cast reunion at the 1999 Aspen Comedy Festival. Conan's experience with the show was exactly the same as mine; discovering it as

For the love of God, don't cut it open!

2007-11-21T21:35:00.000-05:00

I wanted to write something funny for Thanksgiving, but I'm lazy and I have to do laundry. So here's a little item I wrote waaaaay back in '05. It still has meaning, and I've even updated it a little so it feels as fresh as Martha Stewart after her morning poop.Thanksgiving is approaching, and basic cable is once again choked with cooking shows offering different takes on preparing a holiday

Japan Goes A-Whalin'

2007-11-17T12:20:00.001-05:00

TOKYO - Japan's whaling fleet is set for its biggest-ever scientific whale hunt, the government fisheries agency said. The whalers have orders to kill up to 50 humpback whales — the first known large-scale hunt for the species since it was placed under international protection in 1963."We're studying the long-term effects of suffering and death on these noble, intelligent

Ranting, this time in front of a camera.

2007-11-09T21:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I shot this 1-minute diatribe for a new project called MySpace Rants. They had a camera set up in Union Square, and anyone who felt like it could rant about any topic for one minute. The amazing thing is they had it online by that night. The Interweb is an wonderful thing.Anthony - "At The End Of The Day"Add to My Profile | More Videos

Area Man Helps Self, Others

2007-11-01T12:28:00.000-04:00

I just found out that I will be performing at Comix on Dec. 6th. It's a benefit show sponsored by The Onion for Stockings With Care, a non-profit organization that helps needy families provide Christmas gifts for their kids. My good friend Mark has been on their board for years and they really are amazing.I'm excited because I know it will be a great show filled with famous comedians playing to a

Why Computers Will Never Take Over

2007-10-29T22:56:00.000-04:00

Like many non-famous people who are trying to make a living acting, I belong to a website casting service called Actor's Access. Every day I log on to see if there are shows or commercials being cast that I can submit myself for. It's kind of like monster.com for people with absolutely no minimum standards where employment is concerned.One of the features of the site is an automated email that

2007-10-04T22:33:00.000-04:00

Okay, here's that incredibly silly hip-hop parody video I was in. And to all you fans of The Robot, I humbly say "You're welcome."

2007-09-12T00:59:00.000-04:00

I'm not that corpulent.By now we have all seen the multi-car collision that was Britney Spears' "comeback performance" at the VMAs. She stunk on ice, as they say. But what they're also saying is how fat she was, like that's somehow the last straw. "We were able to deal with the wobbly, tentative dance moves and the sloppy lip-synching, but she could at least have the decency to be skinny about it

2007-09-06T19:14:00.000-04:00

Last night I learned choreography.That was not a typo.It was part of a comedy video shoot based on that crazy video of those Phillippino inmates doing the Thriller dance. Josh Filipowski, a fellow comedian, wrote a comedy rap about celebrities who've had trouble with the law (which is almost all of them) and set it to the music of Timbaland's "The Way I Are." It's called "Behind Bars" and it

2007-08-21T12:20:00.001-04:00

GOT IT!Sometimes getting a copy of something you've been in can be even harder than auditioning, getting cast and shooting the damn thing. Such was the case with my latest commercial. I've called and left voicemails aplenty, politely and professionally requesting just one tiny little DVD so I can prove to the world I was really in it. And, more importantly, add it to my demo reel to prove to the

2007-08-13T23:48:00.000-04:00

24 in 30, and Two Toms.I spent the bulk of this past weekend doing two things I love: shooting and acting. My severely talented pals at Drink At Work cast a whole slew of comedians to take part in a series of shorts they wrote, each of which collapses a whole season of the show "24" into a 30-second comedy film. So basically they've reduced 4 years down to 2 minutes and made them much, much

2007-08-10T13:28:00.000-04:00

As promised, here a few photos of my street after the "I'm-sure-it-had-nothing-to-do-with-global-warming-and-was-just-a-freak-occurance-that-couldn't-be-predicted-or-prevented" tornado ripped through 11209 the other day.

2007-08-10T13:17:00.000-04:00

2007-08-08T19:27:00.000-04:00

My neighborhood got hit by a tornado this morning.I live in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.To recap: my neighborhood in BROOKLYN got hit by a TORNADO.Photos to come.

2007-08-03T11:20:00.000-04:00

Monday, August 6th I'll be performing an original character monologue at the famous Manhattan Monologue Slam!"The show features two sets of theatrical action and is simply the best collection of acting talent, performing three minute character-based monologues in front of packed houses and a panel of industry celebrities and professionals (the judges). It's not poetry, not spoken word, not

2007-07-18T22:50:00.000-04:00

Scott Baio is 45… and kind of interesting.I really, really, REALLY hate reality shows. Cannot watch them, even for a second. Why? Because I hate the idea of "real" people on television. Call me old-fashioned, but when I turn on my TV, I want to see trained actors performing a well-written script of some kind. I do not want to see fat, ugly, ill-mannered rubes sweat and claw their way to 15

2007-07-09T23:43:00.000-04:00

Today, I got this "Friend Request" on MySpace:Yeah, since when?

2007-07-07T21:44:00.000-04:00

Longoria, Parker in Bitter Divorce BattleSorry, just practicing.

2007-06-28T15:09:00.001-04:00

It only hurts when I try to make you laugh.Yesterday, I took a deep breath, reminded myself that I'm a good and talented person, counted my blessings, double-checked that my self-worth was not defined by strangers' opinions, watered my plants, and posted the re:ORG trailer to Funny or Die.Now, for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, relax. You're in the majority. re:ORG is the

2007-06-22T12:46:00.000-04:00

This past week was a pretty good one for me, comedy-wise. Last Sunday I shot a comedy short with a bunch of my favorite funny people. Andres du Bouchet wrote a parody of prescription drug commercials, and Carol Hartsell and Sean Crespo of Drink At Work fame handled the production. Also appearing are Sean, Bryan Olsen, Mark Douglas and Michael Bernard. It's being edited now and should be online

2007-06-16T14:18:00.000-04:00

I just read online that Dolly Parton has been named a lifetime member of the Girls Scouts of America.To honor her, they've created a new cookie: Meg-A-Jugs®. They're sold 2 to a box.

2007-06-16T12:32:00.001-04:00

I watched the Rescue Me premiere with a bunch of my best friends on the 13th. It was weird and very exciting to see myself in the show. And it reminded me how much work it is to put a show, or a movie, or even a commerical together. I was on the set for a full 8 hours, and 7 1/2 of that was waiting around and talking to the other actors and crew people. The actual shooting part went by so fast I

2007-06-09T19:56:00.000-04:00

UNCLE!If Brad Pitt or George Clooney (or to a lesser extent, Matt Damon) are reading this, I'm begging you: NO MORE WITTY INTERVIEWS PROMOTING AN OCEAN'S __ MOVIE. Seriously, I can't take anymore.We all get it, okay? You're really good friends and the two (or less often, three) of you have great senses of humor. You're incredibly playful, witty, and yes, even a little naughty when someone manages

2007-06-05T18:13:00.000-04:00

Your Money Maker, And The Shaking Thereof.Like many people who spend a lot of time on the New York City subways, I am regularly assaulted by all manner of panhandlers, preachers and musicians. Today I'll focus on those who temporarily hold me hostage with the weapon of music.Playing music in public for donations is nothing new, especially in a big city. But it becomes a very special brand of

2007-05-19T14:23:00.000-04:00

We're off to see the wizard!I'm going to see comedy mastermind Ricky Gervais tonight at the Theater at MSG. To put this in perspective, that would be like me going to the see the Pope if I were Catholic.Which I am. Catholic, I mean. So I guess I would also be excited to see the Pope. But not this particular Pope; I'm not into him so much. Although I am happy about the new "unbaptized babies not

2007-05-09T11:51:00.000-04:00

Some updates of a comedy nature.Some time next month I'll be shooting a commercial parody written by a comedy compadre of mine, the so-funny-it's-not-even-funny Andres du Bouchet. I won't give away the idea, but I will reveal that it'll also feature my comedy brethren Bryan Olsen, Sean Crespo and Michael Reisman.I'm excited to do it because the script is hysterical, and I get to work with people

2007-05-08T15:15:00.000-04:00

Suspicious ActiviaUpon opening the fridge in the DayJob® kitchenette, I noticed a lone container of Dannon™ Activia.™ Which means someone in my office ain't shittin' right.The question is, who?

2007-05-08T09:51:00.000-04:00

Check out this month's Ladies Home Journal cover, featuring Meredith Viera. Based on her expression, I can only surmise that she didn't really want to pose for this photo, but the photographer was holding all three of her children at gunpoint. And if she didn't "smile big", the kids would eat hot lead.Under those terrifying circumstances I think she did a great job. Also, kudos to the digital

2007-05-01T13:00:00.000-04:00

Au Revoir, Les Industree!I just read online that the callbacks for the Montreal Comedy Festival were held last week. I had auditioned a few weeks ago but never heard anything. So I got to thinking. I wonder what happened? And then it hit me: Boy, I'd sure hate to be the poor sucker whose job it was to email me with my time slot. He (or she, I suppose) must be in pret-tee hot water right about now

2007-04-27T15:27:00.000-04:00

REASON #54,678,934 TO LOVE NEW YORKThe Chinese musician playing the theme to "The Godfather" on a yangqin on the Downtown platform of the Union Square subway station.

2007-04-27T11:03:00.000-04:00

I was reading over my old posts and I noticed that between every few posts is some kind of "apology/accusation" post about not posting. Like this one.Even though I'm trying to spin it into some sort of a "big picture" view of my blog, it's really just a feeble excuse to write a new post. And I'm commenting on it AS I do it, which is ridiculous in itself. Yet, I can't seem to stop. What is this

2006-11-09T21:55:00.000-05:00

Had my fifth or sixth ( I forget) audition for television's premiere Mafia-themed drama. They keep calling me in, so I keep going. It's kind of a goof at this point. That's not to say I'm not professional... I always do my best at every audition I go on. It's just that I was very conflicted about even being seen for this show, for reasons I've gone into before in this very blog. But for some

2006-10-06T20:13:00.000-04:00

Today's post is all about being proactive. Not the acne product, but actually doing something instead of waiting for stuff to happen to you. You're probably good at that, but I often get too caught up in how I think my life "should be" to take steps to make it better. Here's the first of many steps I took, or am taking. You know what I mean.It's the first episode of a new short comedy sitcom I

2006-08-03T13:42:00.000-04:00

HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD!As I write this, I’m sitting in my beautiful hometown of New York City, where the temperature outside is a balmy 500 degrees. I've been trying to think of something to do tonight to beat the heat and get my mind off the sweltering weather. I know, I'll go the movies! It'll be air conditioned, I'll get a giant soda, maybe some popcorn, and just kick back while watching one of

2006-07-31T16:55:00.000-04:00

To put you in the proper mood for this post, track down the song "The Glamorous Life" and crank it UP! You'll thank me in the end.I got a call the other day about an audition for a commerical in the anti-Big Tobacco "Truth" campaign. Pretty cool, yes? En, oh. I should have known something was up when the agent made a point of saying it was a national spot. When they dangle that carrot right up

2006-07-15T16:52:00.001-04:00

Hey look at me... I posted video on my blog. Well, at least I was impressed.

2006-07-14T18:31:00.000-04:00

Sure it's been a while since I posted, but what do you care? What, you're mad now because I haven't added any new tales of humiliation?Sorry I snapped at you like that. It's been a hell of a month so far. At DayJob Inc, I'm working like a maniac on a new business pitch for prescription Boner Medicine. (Yes, that's the real name of the product.) It's really FUN!Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not

2006-06-21T14:25:00.000-04:00

Biting the hand that makes me sit up and beg before it feeds me.I go on plenty of commerical auditions, which is exciting. And also scary, but not for the reasons you might think. By now, I'm pretty much over the self-consciousness of auditioning in a little room for one person standing behind a video camera. And for the most part, the often terrible copy I have to read doesn't make me sweat too

2006-06-06T12:00:00.000-04:00

So, today is Devil Day (a.k.a 6.6.06). The remake of The Omen comes out today, in one of the most clever uses of Satanic symbolism to launch a movie since they had that 20-foot flaming pentagram at the premiere of "Hope Floats."In the TV ads for the Omen, 6.6.06 comes up at the end, but then the inconveniently placed "0" fades out so it reads 666. In my book that's cheating. You can't just

2006-05-31T12:55:00.000-04:00

I went on an interesting audtion the other day. Got there to find lots of actors milling around. Signed in, sat down and waited.And waited.AND WAITED.What's the hold up, I wondered? Why isn't anyone going into the little room? Oh, ok, the casting person is running late. Well that sure explains it! Then I'm thinking, should I leave? But what if it's a really good/funny commerical? I should stay.

2006-05-25T18:39:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about what I do for a living. And by this, I mean my day job. Notice I said what I do for a living. If I were talking about comedy, I would have said I was thinking about what I do to silence the voices. And that just sounds creepy.I work in advertising. Because stand-up isn't degrading enough! (Insert rim shot) But seriously folks, I was going over all the clients and products

2006-05-23T13:38:00.000-04:00

"DYING OF EXPOSURE"That was a quote I heard from a friend of mine, who has a friend who's been a comedian for many years. Confused? Bored? Excellent. Let the indoctrination begin.This comedian coined that term to turn his pain into laughter, which is what comedians do. (Happy comedians are unfunny comedians. If you don't believe me, check out Blue Collar Comedy. Those guys are fucking ecstatic.)

2006-05-17T01:41:00.000-04:00

If I ever meet blogger.com in person I'm going to kick his ass. Why? Well, see that strip at the top of this page, that has buttons like "search this blog", "get your own blog" and, most importantly, "NEXT BLOG?"Well, I clicked on that one just to see what would come up. This is what came up:"For God, Family and Republic —An online journal dedicated to Christ and conservatism that challenges the

2006-05-15T19:07:00.000-04:00

[See how it goes? Just a few days away from the gym and it gets harder to go back. Only I don't mean the real gym, since I haven't been to that in a few years. I mean the metaphorical gym, i.e. blogging. Wow, that was a lot of work just to say I'm lazy. But don't get me wrong... Things are HAPPENING baby! I just tend to forget/neglect to write about them. Situation rectified...NOW!]Last week I

2006-05-08T15:29:00.000-04:00

Ever have one of those one-in-a-million kinds of days, where all the planets and stars align to affect your life? Only instead of granting you some kind of miraculous boon, they all have a meeting and decide to destroy you? I had a day like that last week.One of the ongoing struggles of working a day job while trying to get a performing career off the ground is the matter of scheduling. I have a

2006-05-05T17:38:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!This is my first post for what will hopefully be an ongoing online journal, or log, if you will. I guess you might call it a Web Log. Or even a "blog" for short. Nah, that's a stupid name. It sounds like a big fat bubble bursting on the surface of a swamp in a horror movie. Forget I mentioned it.Why did I decide to create a theme for this thing, you don't ask? Well, a good friend

2006-05-04T22:48:00.000-04:00

I'M BACK! After almost a full Earth year of non-blogging, I've decided to give it another try. Maybe I can blog a few times a week, and maybe people will actually read this and leave witty, supportive comments, and maybe I'll even get some press as other bloggers blog about my blog and...Oh who am I kidding. The only person who will read this is me. So I guess I can say anything I want on here.

2005-07-29T11:31:00.000-04:00

As I glance at my 2005 "Baskets of Kittens And Puppies Who At First Glance Appear To Be Real Kittens And Puppies, But Who Are Actually Sleeping Babies in Creepy Little Costumes Calendar", I guess it's time for a post. Okay already! I admit my enthusiasm for blogging has been in inverse proportion to the Blogging Craze in general. But that's how it usually is with me. By the time enough people are

2005-03-08T13:08:00.000-05:00

Today I received the best spam ever. I thought I'd share it with both of you. ________________________________________________________Looking for table tennis tables and other recreational or professional table tennis equipment? LOOK NO FURTHER! You are in the right place.Welcome to DHS America - the exclusive North American dealer of the best table tennis tables! DHS is the official table

2005-01-12T16:54:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year plus 11. Hey, better late than never, right? I just this minute read online that the search for those goddamn WMD's officially ended last month. According to the Wasington Post, "Four months after Charles A. Duelfer, who led the weapons hunt in 2004, submitted an interim report to Congress that contradicted nearly every prewar assertion about Iraq made by top Bush administration

2004-11-12T12:23:00.000-05:00

AAAANNNND... SCENE! I'm pooped. The reason being, in addition to working full time at SoulCrushers Inc., doing some outta-town comedy, helping my mom move and fighting my way out of an election-induced coma, I've been rehearsing like crazy for a play...the first play I've ever been in. Yes, I was cast in a very funny one-act comedy written and directed by the very, very funny Andres du Bouchet.

2004-10-12T18:47:00.000-04:00

As you can see from the dates on my posts, I haven't written anything in a while. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that by the time I get to my computer, whatever topic was flickering in my brain has fizzled out and changed from witty and sharp (according to me) to trivial and boring (me again.) Today, however, I have something to say. I just went on an audition for an indie film, which

2004-08-13T13:21:00.000-04:00

MIDTOWN, THE SEQUEL I think my previous entry did a pretty good job of establishing how I feel about the fetid scumhole my office now calls home. It's time to get a little more specific. Did you know that lunchtime, once the highlight of my day when I worked in beautiful Soho, now makes my stomach hurt? You probably know the feeling—that tight knot of worry/despair you get when you're sitting

2004-08-04T19:12:00.000-04:00

SUDDENLY, MIDTOWN Anyone who knows me even a little knows how much I hate the midtown area of Manhattan. I hate it. I really truly hate everything about it. So imagine my surprise when DayJob Inc. informed its workers that we had 2 weeks to pack up and move from our office in wonderful, magical Soho to Satan's Sphincter (a.k.a 49th and Madison). The building itself is a site to behold. 437

2004-06-22T12:24:00.000-04:00

Listen, I know this entry comes a few days late. But I've needed the time to collect myself, take stock and figure out what the hell this world is coming to. You think you know what the deal is, right? You walk along seeing and hearing all the crazy shit going down, the war, terrorism, alleged rapes and child molestations, global warming, the looming oil crisis... the list never seems to end. But

2004-06-21T12:59:00.000-04:00

Marlon was a dog-walker by trade. And a very, very good one. He took his job seriously, not like that dilettante Eva who thought everything was a big joke. Her dogs were always all over the place, straining at their tethers like they’d sniffed the shirt of an escaped convict and had just picked up his scent. Eva was a disgrace to the uniform. There wasn’t really a dog-walker uniform, Marlon

2004-06-02T16:15:00.000-04:00

AIR FORCE ACADEMY, Colo. (AP) - President Bush compared the fight against terrorists to the struggle against tyranny that forced World War II, telling new Air Force officers Wednesday that the United States and its allies can win the battle by bringing freedom and reform to the Middle East. The thin air caused Bush to make several other comparisons: - The store brand of peas taste exactly like

2004-04-23T14:02:00.000-04:00

I'm mad. Hoppin' mad. Madder than I've been since at least yesterday. Why do I seeth like a redneck at mandatory diversity training, you ask? Well, it's because I just got me an eyeful of American war dead! I bust my hump all week, and when I get home all's I want is to be left alone with my beer and my programs, maybe a little bit of shut-up from the wife if I'm lucky. The last thing I need is

2004-04-21T12:17:00.000-04:00

Becuase I am an ass with the maturity level of a 12 year old, I offer the following Public Service Announcement: Irritable Bowel Syndrome Awareness Month April is Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) Awareness Month. IBS is a condition characterized by bloating, abdominal discomfort, and chronic diarrhea and/or constipation. Between 10 and 20 percent of Americans suffer from IBS, but almost half of

2004-04-20T18:14:00.000-04:00

HONDURAS WITHDRAWS TROOP FROM IRAQ WASHINGTON - Following fellow Iraq coalition nation Spain's lead, the president of Honduras said last night he would withdraw the nation's troop "as soon as we can find him a ride home." "When you think about it, it's not really fair to him," said Honduran president Ricardo Maduro. "Soldiers from all the coalition nations get lonely after long tours of duty in

2004-04-15T17:14:00.000-04:00

Today as I strolled past a high-send Soho skin care boutique, I noticed a sign in the window above an array of expensive-looking soap. The sign said the hand-made, vaguely Asian organic soaps were the very ones placed into the "goodie bags" of all this year's Oscar nominees. So I went in and bought some. It made me feel really good to know I'd soon be washing my asshole with the same soap

2004-04-06T12:04:00.000-04:00

By now, the topic of spam email is fairly hack, comedically speaking. We've all heard the jokes about the crazy topics ranging from bigger penis size, to adding inches to your cock, to getting a larger dick. But I have to admit, although I hate spam, I look forward to seeing the wacky names of the senders. It's always the best part of the email. Here are some actual examples that have landed in

2004-03-25T17:13:00.001-05:00

WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Bush poked fun at his staff, his Democratic challenger and himself Wednesday night at a black-tie dinner where he hobnobbed with the news media. Bush put on a slide show, calling it the "White House Election-Year Album" at the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association 60th annual dinner, showing himself and his staff in some decidedly unflattering poses.

2004-03-09T22:31:00.000-05:00

I saw Lizzie Grubman on the street today. What a tapped-out dirtbag.

2004-03-08T17:28:00.000-05:00

I just got call from my broker. He says it might be a good idea to start selling my shares of Martha Stewart Omnimedia. But you didn't hear it from me.

2004-03-08T13:14:00.000-05:00

I went out to dinner with a bunch of friends the other night, and while we were waiting for our table I noticed a young man in full "punk rock" drag. We're talking 2-foot high impeccable orange mohawk, shrunken motorcyle jacket covered in studs and Exploited stickers, shredded t-shirt, criss-cross suspenders, bondage trousers, the works. Now, I'm a native New Yorker. Seeing this type of guy

2004-02-23T13:03:00.000-05:00

So, the long-awaited final episode of Sex and the City was broadcast last night. Millions of fans held their Cosmos aloft to bid farewell to Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda. I haven't watched the show in a really long time, but I tuned in to see the series finale, mostly out of curiousity to see how the writers decided to wrap up the various storylines. I must admit several of the plot

2004-02-17T17:16:00.000-05:00

This morning I passed a construction site and I noticed a giant crane with the name "PUTZMEISTER" emblazoned on the side. Under the logo, in fine print, read: A Mel Brooks Company.

2004-01-30T12:18:00.001-05:00

BIG-BUCK CEOs GO FOR YUKS Can super-rich CEOs make paying audiences chuckle? Do they approach being even mildly funny? New York financier David Moore - by day, chairman of seven-year-old Sonostar Ventures, by night, a stand-up comedian - plans to answer those questions at Carolines on Tuesday. That's when he has invited real-estate empress Barbara Corcoran and Connecticut supermarket and dairy

2003-12-16T10:49:00.000-05:00

“MILLER MILESTONES” The Miller Family Bulletin 2003 Dear ________________________________ Can you believe a whole year has come and gone since our last Holiday Family Newsletter? We sure can’t! Whew! We bet you’ve been wondering what our little clan has been up to, especially since this is probably the only contact we have with you. The hardest part of this labor of love is where to begin!

2003-12-12T17:35:00.000-05:00

The holiday season is once again upon us. And like many stylish urban professionals, I am in gift-buying mode. That is why I find myself at the MoMA Design Store. For those of you who might not be aware of such things, MoMA is an acronym for the Museum of Modern Art. The MoMA Design Store is where discriminating patrons furnish their design-based lifestyles in the most conspicuous way

2003-11-25T12:10:00.000-05:00

It's finally happening. The thousands of Spam emails I receive daily are breeding in my inbox and creating new mutated versions of themselves, much like the super-germs being created by the anti-bacterial handsoap industry. Below are some of the most recent. << Make her scream all night with the LOWEST MORTGAGE RATES in 40 years! >> << Terminate Credit Card Debt with Cheap Vicodin -- NO RX

2003-11-11T22:56:00.000-05:00

I'd like to offer my own tiny web-based tribute to comedy legend Art Carney, who passed away today at 85. His work with Jackie Gleason on The Honeymooners is some of the most brilliant comedy ever done. Not a day goes by that I don't personally thank God for the DuMont ELECTRONICAM T-V Film System. So take a moment to remember Mr. Carney, and never forget: it's very dangerous to awaken a

2003-11-10T18:25:00.000-05:00

Allow me to share something I saw today: A bus shelter billboard featuring a giant pair of diamond earrings with the headline "Ever wonder why so many babies are born in September?" See, if you count back 9 months from September, you'll end up in December, which as we all know is the month that Christmas lives in. So if you buy your (implied) wife diamond earrings for Christmas, she'll stop

2003-10-08T17:09:00.000-04:00

The award for Today's Best Spam Email Title goes to: I WAS HYPNOTIZED INTO HAVING SEX WITH THE DOCTOR! Unfortunately, I WAS HYPNOTIZED INTO HAVING SEX WITH THE DOCTOR! is currently shooting a movie in Mexico, so GET PRESCRIPTION MEDS ONLINE! will be accepting for her.

2003-10-06T14:58:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was a big one for tigers and fans of tiger-related news items. The tiger from Harlem (no, that's not the name of a TBS original movie) is on his way to a bigger apartment in Ohio, where he can finally own a car and not have to deal with roommates. The tiger from Vegas was finally driven wild by the smell of Aqua-Net and kicked his boss' ass. To answer your question, OF COURSE

2003-10-01T11:51:00.000-04:00

When I turn on my computing machine, I'm connected to all the Interweb has to offer (such as instant access to sports scores, weather, and checking my stocks, as well as chatting with friends, downloading music files or even sending pictures to Grandma). My home page has links to Top News Stories, which I can read more about with a simple click of the mouse. One of today's stories was about some

2003-09-29T11:12:00.000-04:00

I know, I know...it's time for a new blog. I also know that writing about writing a blog doesn't count. Neither does writing about not writing one. At least not around here! Sure, blogging about blogging may pass for blogging on some blogs, but this blog is all about actual blogs, not meta-blogs that endlessly self-reference and comment on the whole process of blogging. I'm glad we got that

2003-09-11T13:24:00.000-04:00

In case anyone has forgotten, allow me to remind you that New York is, and always will be, The Greatest City On Earth. And I love every single person who lives here. But as a native New Yorker, it is my God-given right to also hate every single person who lives here. Check back with me tomorrow.

2003-09-09T14:46:00.000-04:00

Dentist, 46, Sued For Downloading Muzak From The Internet It was a quiet day in the Manhattan offices of Dr. Paul Stark, D.D.S. For the patients who sat in the waiting room, thumbing through old copies of National Geographic and Motor Boating, the silence was deafening. And there was nothing Dr. Stark could do about it, as he was the latest target of the Muzak Association of America's crackdown

2003-09-04T11:24:00.000-04:00

Arnold got egged for being a pussy, and the security guard at my local ATM finally solved the Rubik's Cube® he's been working on for the past 2 weeks. As Ice Cube once crooned, "Today was a good day."

2003-08-26T18:10:00.000-04:00

Here's the scenario: You're in a movie theater, patiently waiting for "Finding Nemo" to start. You've seen it already, but you REALLY want it to break $400 million (domestic). After some blurry slides for local car dealers and a few bullshit "Who Said It?" movie-quote riddles brought to you by Diet Coke, the trailers begin. Everything seems on the up-and-up until the promo for the new film "

2003-08-18T18:27:00.000-04:00

As a New Yorker, I am obligated by law to post a blog about "BLACKOUT '03". Here it is: The power was on, then it wasn't. I had to walk very far to get home. My feet hurt. There were many, many people out walking. It was a hot day. When the sun went down, it got much darker than usual because there weren't any streetlights. The next day the lights came back on. The end.

2003-08-08T13:23:00.000-04:00

In an interview for New York magazine that hits newsstands Monday, outrageously extreme NY Giants star Jeremy Shockey has lived up to his name, calling ex-Giants coach Bill Parcells a "homo". At a press conference, the brash country boy denied ever making the homophobic comment, saying he was taken out of context. "I never called him a homo. What I said was, he's a dirty queer. No, wait a

2003-08-07T13:06:00.000-04:00

I couldn't decide which topic to "address" today, so I'm going with both. 1. On the way in to work today, I saw 2 guys dressed as a giant hero sandwich and Dunkin' Donuts coffee. The whimsical costumed characters were milling around the front of an office building handing out coupons to people who were obviously there to smoke. Some of them took the flyers out of pity or boredom, and some just