Give Me A Bada-Break.

In honor of today being my birthday, I thought I owed it to myself to empty my spleen. It's like blowing out candles, only a lot more satisfying.

If you live in the NYC area, you no doubt see the NY Lottery's "Bada Bling" commercial once every 3.7 seconds. It's a fun-filled romp where a bunch of gangsters and gangstas team up to assrape an Ella Fitzgerald standard so you'll gamble more. Big jewelry + limited verbal skills ÷ dated slang = good times for all.

To say this commercial is stupid is an understatement, and beside the point. It's not supposed to be anything more than a catchy, flashy ad for scratch-offs — which are, let's face it, the dirtbaggiest of all the games of chance.

I'm also not writing this to document yet another example of Anthony's Advertising Theorem Number 1, which clearly states:
If you are stuck for an idea to sell (insert product or service here), set your commercial in a warehouse or restaurant, throw a few mobsters in, create a situation where someone might get whacked, and yell Action.

No, I'm writing this because I personally auditioned for this commercial. I was lied to (or more accurately, not informed) about what the part was. I was told it was a commercial for NY Lottery, and they were looking for "real New Yorkers." If you are a regular reader of my blog, which I'm sure you're not unless you're my mother, you know that I am usually hip to the secret casting code that means "send in the wops."

For some reason, though, I wasn't suspicious this time. Maybe because I figured NY Lottery would know better since it's a hometown thing. Wrong! When I got there, I signed in and then saw the 2 character descriptions. Young Rapper: must have flow, will be asked to create a freestyle rap during the audition. Okay, that's kind of cool. Then my eyes glance over to MOBSTER: MAFIA-TYPE GUY, VERY OVER THE TOP, THINK TONY SOPRANO. Great. Here we go again.

That's when I realized I was lied to, because a mobster is a bit more specific of a type than just a "New Yorker." It's not like there were Hasidic Jews or little hipsters or old Asian ladies running around. It was wall-to-wall wannabes. I was going to just leave, but because there's something wrong with me, I decided to stick around and watch the action. The rappers were actually fine; it was cool to see them practice and try some stuff out. Of course, some of them were complete idiots, but at a non-union audition, most people are complete idiots. Trust me, I'm not trying to say this commercial was in any way advancing the cause of young black men; but at least they had to display an actual TALENT. Watching the "mafia" guys walk around, doing whatever the Dago equivalent of shuckin' and jivin' is, always makes me sweat because I get so ashamed. These morons were totally ridiculous, and so PROUD of it. It's like they were holding an audition for Draculas; all these guys looking and acting exactly the same, with only slight variations on the theme. Maybe one cape has red lining, one is all black, one Dracula has the red sash and medallion, while one went with the ruffled shirt and press-on nails. But you can tell from across the street what they are. They're fuckin' Draculas.

So I did my stupid audition, and made the choice that I wouldn't sing and dance enthusiastically. I decided MY nameless mobster was the strong silent type. Of course I didn't get a callback, which I was very happy about.

Here's the commercial, so you can see what I was up against. Scratch and Win, motherfuckers. Scratch and Win.