I'm not that corpulent.

By now we have all seen the multi-car collision that was Britney Spears' "comeback performance" at the VMAs. She stunk on ice, as they say. But what they're also saying is how fat she was, like that's somehow the last straw. "We were able to deal with the wobbly, tentative dance moves and the sloppy lip-synching, but she could at least have the decency to be skinny about it!"

Okay, maybe she wasn't ready for rhinestone-bikini season, but fat? Nah. You want to see fat? Go to the mall. You'll see so much fat you'll catch Type-2 diabetes.

Besides, a few extra pounds are the least of Britney's problems. She's a crazy hillbilly who's also a bad mom and doesn't seem to ever wear bloomers. But you know if she dropped some weight, all the tabloids would declare "Britney's Back!!" As if all the stuff she's done is stored in her fat cells and preventing the "real" Britney from shining through.

I got news for you: this IS the real Britney. Get used to it, y'all.

Last night I learned choreography.

That was not a typo.

It was part of a comedy video shoot based on that crazy video of those Phillippino inmates doing the Thriller dance. Josh Filipowski, a fellow comedian, wrote a comedy rap about celebrities who've had trouble with the law (which is almost all of them) and set it to the music of Timbaland's "The Way I Are." It's called "Behind Bars" and it features a bunch of comedians in orange prison jumpsuits dancing a hip-hop routine. It was so ridiculous that I can't wait to see how it turned out. If it's not awful I'll post it.

The weird thing (even weirder than me learning dance moves) is that on the way in to the place where we shot it, I walked right past Bernard Goetz. To refresh your memory, he's the "Subway Vigilante" who shot 4 black guys who were about to rob him back in 1984. Creepy.

Because there's something wrong with me, I immediately wondered if this was some marketing ploy to get me to see Jodie Foster's new movie "The Brave One." If it was, I'm flattered.