To put you in the proper mood for this post, track down the song "The Glamorous Life" and crank it UP! You'll thank me in the end.

I got a call the other day about an audition for a commerical in the anti-Big Tobacco "Truth" campaign. Pretty cool, yes? En, oh. I should have known something was up when the agent made a point of saying it was a national spot. When they dangle that carrot right up front I always get a little suspicious, like they're showing me the built-in pool with jacuzzi before they get around to mentioning the leaky basement and the prison down the block.

So after getting me all excited to be in a national commercial for a critically-acclaimed public service campaign, she asks me if I have a hairy back.

I'm sorry, what?

"Do you have a hairy back?"
"Um, actually, no. Why do you ask?"
"Well, they're looking for a bunch of guys with really hairy backs."

At this point, my years of advertising training and my innate cynicism got together and got all psychic. "Let me guess, they're going to wax letters on the guys' backs and spell out a word."

After a pause, she said, "How did you figure that out?" "I work at an ad agency. I know how these people think."

Now, like I said, I don't have a hairy back. And not because I wax it, but just because that's the way I am. It might not seem like a big distinction, but it is to me. Because based on my name and my headshot, I'm sure lots of people just assume I'm a wall-to-wall furball. I'm definitely no Asian youth, but a hairy back just isn't something I bring to the table. No disrespect to my hirsute brothers out there. We are all as God made us; or an altered version thereof. That's just how it goes.

SCRAP METAL UPDATE
Since the shoot for the company that pays top dollar for scrap metal is tomorrow, and it's now 5:30 PM and I haven't heard anything more, I'll assume I did not book the commercial.

Sometimes, when you're casting a spot for a company that pays top dollar for scrap metal, you put actors "on hold" so they keep that date open, but then you don't actually cast them to play a construction worker who's very excited about a company that pays top dollar for scrap metal.

Again, that's just how it goes.

Hey look at me... I posted video on my blog. Well, at least I was impressed.

Sure it's been a while since I posted, but what do you care? What, you're mad now because I haven't added any new tales of humiliation?

Sorry I snapped at you like that. It's been a hell of a month so far. At DayJob Inc, I'm working like a maniac on a new business pitch for prescription Boner Medicine. (Yes, that's the real name of the product.) It's really FUN!

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not against people getting more and better boners. I'm all for it! I think people should have a lot more sex and anything that helps that along is okay by me. It's a theory of mine that one of the reasons the world is in the state it is, is a lack of sexcapades. See, as a nation (and a species) we're getting sicker and sicker thanks to all the crap we eat, drink and inhale. And that's been leading to an overall lessening of the quality and quantity of the male chubby. So, less chubbies, less sex, and everyone's in a bad mood. That's how you end up with Bill O'Reilly.

I'm just saying, I don't want to invite any of that energy into MY life by working on advertising for erection pills. It's too much like those horror movies where a bunch of drunk teens fool around with a book of magic spells in the woods. It's all very funny until somebody accidentally summons Satan.

On the comedy/acting front, I found out today that I'm on hold for a commercial that I auditioned for like 3 months ago. I guess it takes that long to find just the right actors to appear in a commercial for a company that pays top dollar for scrap metal. No, I'm not kidding.

And please, no Erector Set jokes. Have a little respect.