I'm mad. Hoppin' mad. Madder than I've been since at least yesterday. Why do I seeth like a redneck at mandatory diversity training, you ask? Well, it's because I just got me an eyeful of American war dead!

I bust my hump all week, and when I get home all's I want is to be left alone with my beer and my programs, maybe a little bit of shut-up from the wife if I'm lucky. The last thing I need is visual confirmation that US soldiers are getting themselves killed, and then getting shipped back home in dozens upon dozens of flag-draped coffins! I mean, what the fuck? I THOUGHT I was living in the g-d USA, where I have the right to have my information clamped down on. Information that might serve to take my mind off that crazy faggot Michael Jackson or make it harder for me to concentrate on The Bachelor VI: The Reckoning.

But now, thanks to these sonofabitchin' pictures, I gotta maybe start thinking of this war shit as a real thing, not one of those sweet video games by that awesome genius Tom Clancy. Thanks a lot, First Amendment Activist Russ Kick-- or should I say Comrade Jackoff von Douchebag!

Now I'm not exactly sure what the hell we're doing over there in Iraqistan, but I support it 200%, and anyone who don't is un-American and should be strung up for treason! Maybe that would convince these liberal a-holes to stop making trouble for George W. You gotta support your country! Maybe I can't go over there and fight, but if I could I sure as hell would! But I do my part right here at home by closing my ears and my mind to anything the even suggests this whole war was a colossal fuckup. It's the least I can do! And I'm gonna keep me an eye on that Indian dude who owns the deli down the street. Any false moves and I'll have his ass carted back to Arabia!

I'm gonna try my best to get those damn pictures out of my mind. They serve no purpose and they're just plain misleading. Now if you'll excuse me, 100 Hottest Celebrity Hookups is coming on and it's a real bitch getting the cellophane off those blank tapes.

Becuase I am an ass with the maturity level of a 12 year old, I offer the following Public Service Announcement:

Irritable Bowel Syndrome Awareness Month

April is Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) Awareness Month. IBS is a condition characterized by bloating, abdominal discomfort, and chronic diarrhea and/or constipation. Between 10 and 20 percent of Americans suffer from IBS, but almost half of those cases go untreated because of a reluctance or embarrassment dealing with issues relating to the bowels.

In addition to consulting with a physician, you can improve bowel health by doing the following:
- Drink plenty of water
- Refrain from eating high-fat or fried foods
- Eat regular and consistently timed meals
- Limit consumption of alcohol and caffeine
- Restrict sugar intake
- Avoid products containing sugar alcohols
- Get enough fiber

(Note: Some people with chronic diarrhea may be sensitive to too much fiber. Again, be sure to consult with your doctor.)

Once again, I am an ass.

HONDURAS WITHDRAWS TROOP FROM IRAQ

WASHINGTON - Following fellow Iraq coalition nation Spain's lead, the president of Honduras said last night he would withdraw the nation's troop "as soon as we can find him a ride home."

"When you think about it, it's not really fair to him," said Honduran president Ricardo Maduro. "Soldiers from all the coalition nations get lonely after long tours of duty in a hostile, faraway land. Well, for our brave troop, take that feeling and multiply it by 1,000. Or maybe you divide it by 1,000. Either way, you can imagine how our guy feels."

Maduro noted that the troop couldn't even participate in many of the activities soldiers use to take their minds of their situation. "Our troop couldn't get a decent soccer team together, for obvious reasons. And he got tired of being the one who always had to chase the ball when a Spaniard or an American kicked it way off the field. It's very hot over there, you know?"

The troop will leave tomorrow, or the next day at the latest, depending on what JetBlue has available.

Today as I strolled past a high-send Soho skin care boutique, I noticed a sign in the window above an array of expensive-looking soap. The sign said the hand-made, vaguely Asian organic soaps were the very ones placed into the "goodie bags" of all this year's Oscar nominees.

So I went in and bought some. It made me feel really good to know I'd soon be washing my asshole with the same soap Charlize Theron uses to wash her asshole.

By now, the topic of spam email is fairly hack, comedically speaking. We've all heard the jokes about the crazy topics ranging from bigger penis size, to adding inches to your cock, to getting a larger dick.

But I have to admit, although I hate spam, I look forward to seeing the wacky names of the senders. It's always the best part of the email. Here are some actual examples that have landed in my inbox:

• Approximating T. Precautionary   • Monographs P. Trainee

• Womanizes H. Stopping • Fazed P. Collisions

• Charter Aggregate • Frisbees L. Embarks

• Visionary Advanced • Racial U. Rioter

• Drool L. Conjugations • Olenek O. Benefactor

• Chlorination K. Redounded   • Diabolical Q. Fjords

• Believe R. Extrusion • Mongol K. Sweetbrier

• Wendy Smith