It's finally happening. The thousands of Spam emails I receive daily are breeding in my inbox and creating new mutated versions of themselves, much like the super-germs being created by the anti-bacterial handsoap industry. Below are some of the most recent.

<< Make her scream all night with the LOWEST MORTGAGE RATES in 40 years! >>

<< Terminate Credit Card Debt with Cheap Vicodin -- NO RX NEEDED! >>

<< Smallest Remote-Control Car Bangs Fresh Barnyard Asses!!! >>

<< GET A BIGGER PENIS NOW! Kid tested, Mother approved! >>

I'd like to offer my own tiny web-based tribute to comedy legend Art Carney, who passed away today at 85. His work with Jackie Gleason on The Honeymooners is some of the most brilliant comedy ever done. Not a day goes by that I don't personally thank God for the DuMont ELECTRONICAM T-V Film System.

So take a moment to remember Mr. Carney, and never forget: it's very dangerous to awaken a sleepwalker.

Allow me to share something I saw today: A bus shelter billboard featuring a giant pair of diamond earrings with the headline "Ever wonder why so many babies are born in September?"

See, if you count back 9 months from September, you'll end up in December, which as we all know is the month that Christmas lives in. So if you buy your (implied) wife diamond earrings for Christmas, she'll stop being a frigid bitch and let you have intercourse with her. (Which she should, because you make a damn good salary and she's lucky to have you. Don't think you don't notice how that new girl at work looks at you, especially when you show up in your new BMW that you're not even leasing.)

She (your wife) will also finally allow you to ejaculate inside of her, causing her to become pregnant (unless you have a low sperm count, and thus are not a real man) and the baby will be born (God willing) 9 months later, in September. The very same September from the headline!

And while you two are having sweet diamond-sex, you know that you're not supporting the torture and/or slaughter of Africans, because you have a certificate that says YOUR diamonds are of the "non-conflict" variety. Heck, maybe you'll even tape it to the headboard!

Take THAT, bottle of expensive perfume and trip to Paris!