Dentist, 46, Sued For Downloading Muzak From The Internet
It was a quiet day in the Manhattan offices of Dr. Paul Stark, D.D.S. For the patients who sat in the waiting room, thumbing through old copies of National Geographic and Motor Boating, the silence was deafening. And there was nothing Dr. Stark could do about it, as he was the latest target of the Muzak Association of America's crackdown on Internet muzak pirates.
"All I wanted was to create a soothing environment for my patients", explained Dr. Stark, and M.A.A. henchmen destroyed his delicate dental equipment with sledgehammers. "It never occured to me I was commiting a crime by downloading those songs. I mean, they're not even really songs, but incredibly watered-down instrumental versions of other songs. Hey, watch it, that's expensive!"
Bill Boyd, CEO of Muzak® LLC, said he was sick and tired of the excuses offered up by people like Dr. Stark. "I am sick and tired of the excuses offered up by people like Dr. Stark. Every business wants to create an experience for its customers and employees. At Muzak, we help create your unique experience with music. That's what we do, and we love it. For over seven decades, businesses around the world have enjoyed our music programs. Muzak invented the concept of business music, and today we are redefining it with innovative products and services. Sure, most of those products and services consist of excruciatingly bland renditions of popular songs. Renditions so soulless that any listener subjected to them would be hard-pressed not to take his own life. In other news, we've recently added the full catalog of Kenny G recordings to our product line. And as God is my witness, I'll be damned if I sit with my thumb up my ass while these animals rape Kenny through their Web thievery. And they ARE raping him, make no mistake about that."
Dr. Stark said he'll miss the soothing, hypnotic effect the Muzak versions of Heart's "Alone", Sade's "Smooth Operator" and The Beach Boys' "Kokomo" have on his patients. To compensate for the loss, he said he was "going to give one of those John Tesh CD's a whirl. I ordered it off some informercial when I couldn't sleep the other night." Stark went to on clarify that bought Tesh's "Power of Love" CD, not his "A Deeper Faith II", since he thought the religious overtones might make people "uncomfortable."
