What I Learned In High School

This past Saturday at midnight I debuted the character of Mr. Francis DiRusso, high school guidance counselor. Mr. D. (as the students don't call him, although he wishes they did) performed on Eliot and Ilana Glazer's High School Talent Show at the UCB Theater.

I created this character especially for this show, but I like him and I think we'll meet again. He's a big step for me, comedy-wise, as I add original characters to my comedy stylings. Enjoy, and stay in school!

I'm acting as fast as I can!

Some know-it-all once said "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it." Then he got slapped in the mouth for being a know-it-all. But still, there is a wisdom in those words.

I have been working what feel like non-stop for just over a month. But it's not because anybody forced me to; it's all stuff I wanted and got. Still, it takes it out of you.

Since the beginning of March, I've shot the lead role in a short comedy film called "Plumber's Crack," a very funny part as a Reno911-style asshole cop in another short comedy called "More Emphasism" and I just finished two physically grueling but very funny days playing an assassin who works for the Lottery Commission in the short film "Win For Life." All three films had good, funny scripts and crews that were great to work with. I can't wait to see the finished products.

I was also in a play, went on a bunch of auditions and did comedy around town. Just another month in the life of the guy who used to hate every single day working at an advertising agency. Who knew the life of a guy my age could change this much in just a couple of years? Not me, that's who.

And yes, I'm pooped. But it's a good pooped.

Reel Life.

The 43,567,834th Blog About The Inauguration

I won't say anything here that hasn't already been said better by someone else. There won't be anything particularly original, brilliant or inspiring in what I have to write. But that's fine with me.

As a country, we have a lot wrong with us. But today, I think, we got it right. Our new President isn't a magician or a savior. He's a man we elected because a vast majority of us decided we want to redefine, or at least reboot, what America is. And can be. Yes, it's corny and maybe even naive, but that doesn't mean it's not real.

Once all the euphoria has faded, once we're all done patting ourselves on the backs, it'll be time to get to work. I'm excited to see what comes next.

So I'm sitting at home, flipping channels, and I come across "Franki Valli & The Four Seasons: Tribute on Ice" on NBC. Mr. Valli is in surprisingly good voice (if he's actually singing live) and is running through his many hits with his four backup singers. So really, it's Frankie Valli and the Five Seasons, which doesn't make any sense.

But that's okay. I mean what's one extra season between friends? I like Valli's classic tunes, but it was the Tribute on Ice portion of the show that grabbed me and put me in a headlock. For a few minutes, the ice rink if front of the stage was empty, then it started to fill up with a bunch of past Olympic champs and skating legends, doing incredibly lame choreography that kind of had something to do with the song, but not really. For example, when Frankie launched into "Grease," all the male skaters came out in matching red 50s-style bowling shirts making Elvis-faces. You know, for Grease. Which was set in the 50s, or early 60s, or whenever guys wore red bowling shirts while figure skating.

I'm a longtime fan of these shows… in the same way you're a fan of 10-car pileups. And I'm not sure why. I don't particularly like figure skating, except when I watch the Olympics and root for people to fall. (Like you don't? Come on, don't lie.) But there's something about these non-competitive skating exhibitions that mesmerizes me. Maybe it's because there's nothing on the line; no medals, no national pride, no excitement. Just cheeseball choreography and corny costumes that try to distract you from noticing that there are really only 4 or 5 skating moves. No matter what the "theme" of the show is, and whether Michelle Kwan is dressed as a detective or Brian Boitano is in a sailor suit, you know they're all going to do the exact same jumps and spins they always do. In pretty much the same order. And all with those forced smiles that tell the beanie-baby-collecting audience that they're "really having fun out there."

FV&TFS:ATOI reminded me how much I missed the undisputed king of ice-based music specials, Elvis Stojko. With his frizzy mullet and manly ways, Stojko burned up the ice with his passion and commitment to the sport. Ever the showman, he'd always find a way to skate to the edge of the rink and kiss a lucky female fan, his swooning eye roll telling the whole arena how much he loved the ladies. Then he'd skate off and do identical moves as everyone else, only machoer.

I hope there's another Tribute On Ice soon, so I can see some flesh-colored skate covers and beehive wigs saluting the hits of Motown. And maybe some gold lamé motorcycle jackets for the fellas.

On Winking.

Sarah Palin winked during the Vice Presidential debate. More than once. Very statespersonlike.

This little move — one I'm sure she sees as "folksy" — actually gave me a much different impression. It was the last piece in the "NOW I know what she reminds me of!" puzzle.

Sarah Palin looks like a Cinemax soft-core porn actress.

You know the ones; they star in films with titles like "Sex Games Cancun," "The Best Sex Ever," "Sex Cove 27: Sex In The Sex Sex," etc.

Actresses (okay, strippers) who throw on a $49 skirt suit from Forever 21, some cheap frames, put their hair up and BOOM they're lawyers. Lawyers who then quickly doff their lawyer-y thongs and start caressing hideous breast implants that look like they were done in a strip mall outside Reno. All while some cheeseball guy (who oddly enough, often looks a lot like Todd Palin) pretends to have intercourse with her navel.

Although, to be fair, they don't skin many moose on Cinemax. So I might be way off base.

A Load Off My Mind

For the past few weeks, I've been racking my brain — and stressing out like you would not believe — trying to find the best deal on a massive, rotating searchlight. The thing is, I wanted one that would do the job without leaving me broke. And that's easier said than done, especially in today's global searchlight market. Shoddy product, bad customer service and huge markups by searchlight middlemen all spell "caveat emptor" for the searchlight customer on a budget.

Luckily, the scarily accurate targeting of Facebook banner ads once again comes to my rescue. Thanks Facebook for shedding some light on the subject — searchlight, that is!